I’ve been trying to organize my thoughts on the past weekend at Shadowlane into some semblance of order so that I may share them here with you. They number too greatly to bundle together into one post, but the thread that connects them all is so intertwined that pulling them carefully apart becomes difficult. Even that thread is layered, but this post is about what is at the heart of it, what made this amazing weekend possible. It’s about safety and trust and friendship – even with people you’ve just met or are meeting in the “real world” for the first time.
I like to pretend that nothing scares me. I’m pretty good at pretending, and most people who know me believe the lie. My closest friends and family see only the polished exterior, which shrugs off fear and dives head first into the unknown. Partially because it’s what I show them the most, but also because it’s all they want to see. There’s a lot that goes on under that shining and resilient armor, though.
In the week or so leading up to Shadowlane, I was a bundle of nerves. I hadn’t played in three years and there were so many questions I couldn’t answer. Would my tolerance be the same? Would I be comfortable playing with people I didn’t know? And most of all: would opening that door again allow the feelings I’d buried from the last time I’d played to come rushing to the surface, or would it do what I hoped and wash them away for good?
I didn’t have to wait too long to find out, because barely an hour after I’d arrived at the hotel, Indy nudged me over someone’s lap (more or less) to test out the waters. It only took a moment for the nerves to disappear, for me to remember exactly how right this was, and Mr. Allen gets a lot of credit for that. He was cognizant of the fact that it had been a while, but he didn’t treat me with kid gloves either. If he had, I might have believed I’d needed them.
Being a kinky girl who hasn’t played in three years at a spanking party is like being a kid in a candy store. Once I got that first taste I wanted more (I’m sure that surprises you who were there and witnessed my unending ability to toss myself under buses, even when I wasn’t really trying). I owe many thanks to the people I played with for helping me pace myself when my natural inclination was to try everything as soon as possible. Without their level heads I probably would have worn myself out by the second night.
Many more thanks are owed to Mija, Paul, and Indy for opening up their suite and creating such a safe and friendly atmosphere for their friends to congregate and play. I tried a lot of things I never imagined I would (yes, those will be blog posts too) because I was surrounded by people (Judy, Serenity, Chris, Bronte, Paul, and others who I am probably forgetting to mention here but have certainly not forgotten) who wanted everyone to feel comfortable and made it so.
Packing up my room yesterday I marveled at some of what I had the chance to do. I’ve been used to packing a whole lot of spanking into a little bit of time before, but I haven’t ended such a weekend feeling as whole and happy as I did this one in quite a while. It was difficult to realize that the difference was in how safe I felt this weekend, and in realizing that, accepting that I really hadn’t felt safe in such situations for too long.
So, to everyone who threw me under the bus, or was the bus, or watched the bus (or all three, in some cases) a very heartfelt thank you. Underneath all the fun and games, you helped me get a little piece of myself back.