Week 3: How did you discover you were kinky?
My earliest childhood memories revolve around spanking. I often can’t remember what I did yesterday, but these experiences apparently stuck because they burn bright in the otherwise dark recesses of my mind. Of course, a child of three doesn’t understand the concept of kink, so while those stories may be entertaining or enlightening, I don’t think they answer this question. It is interesting to me that, while I can’t recall any event precipitating my understanding that these desires were not something to be shared, I was protective and secretive about them from my earliest age.
But I remember vividly the moment when I put a name to ttwd. It was the summer of my fifteenth birthday and the first time I was away from home the whole summer. I was enrolled in the counselor-in-training program at a summer camp that was my childhood home away from home with my best friend and a gaggle of of girls who would be both beloved and reviled by the end of the summer.
One among our number – the youngest, at fourteen – confided in me one night about her internet boyfriend and their adventures. Only she didn’t use the word “boyfriend,” she called him her master, and my head exploded with possibilities while the rest of my young body seemed immediately to recognize a connection between my heretofore nameless desires and the world she described.
Over the next four weeks; between the ropes courses, campfires, rafting, and other activities of summer; she and I would walk the trails around our cabin and under an endless sky she would share her adventures in increasing detail. When you’re fourteen, the men you meet in internet chat rooms devoted to BDSM are not your peers. The man she described to me was 32, more than twice her age. Thinking of that now I’m a bit sickened. Even at the time I understood something about it wasn’t right, but I was young enough at the time to think girls our age were all grown up and wise in the ways of the world.
You know. If you’re reading this blog, hopefully you know what it is to finally find someone who understands and shares your innermost thoughts and desires. The secret parts of you you’ve hidden away for as long as you can remember. You know the magic and the power of hearing these words spoken aloud from one person to another. I was captivated. I was found. I felt like one missing piece had been filled in to the unfinished puzzle that was my young life.
I never shared my own interests with this girl, although I’m sure she guessed. I wasn’t ready yet to speak the words. I still find it hard to say them out loud even now. But I listened and gleaned information on how to find more people who shared our interests. When summer was over and I returned home I petitioned my parents for internet – something that wasn’t as ubiquitous as it is today – and as soon as it was installed I dove right in, exploring, experiencing, and beginning my kinky education.
And that, dear friends, is how this kinky life really began.