30 weeks of kink: discovering kink

Week 3: How did you discover you were kinky?

My earliest childhood memories revolve around spanking.  I often can’t remember what I did yesterday, but these experiences apparently stuck because they burn bright in the otherwise dark recesses of my mind.  Of course, a child of three doesn’t understand the concept of kink, so while those stories may be entertaining or enlightening, I don’t think they answer this question.  It is interesting to me that, while I can’t recall any event precipitating my understanding that these desires were not something to be shared, I was protective and secretive about them from my earliest age.

But I remember vividly the moment when I put a name to ttwd.  It was the summer of my fifteenth birthday and the first time I was away from home the whole summer.  I was enrolled in the counselor-in-training program at a summer camp that was my childhood home away from home with my best friend and a gaggle of of girls who would be both beloved and reviled by the end of the summer.

One among our number – the youngest, at fourteen – confided in me one night about her internet boyfriend and their adventures.  Only she didn’t use the word “boyfriend,” she called him her master, and my head exploded with possibilities while the rest of my young body seemed immediately to recognize a connection between my heretofore nameless desires and the world she described.

Over the next four weeks; between the ropes courses, campfires, rafting, and other activities of summer; she and I would walk the trails around our cabin and under an endless sky she would share her adventures in increasing detail.  When you’re fourteen, the men you meet in internet chat rooms devoted to BDSM are not your peers.  The man she described to me was 32, more than twice her age.  Thinking of that now I’m a bit sickened.  Even at the time I understood something about it wasn’t right, but I was young enough at the time to think girls our age were all grown up and wise in the ways of the world.

You know.  If you’re reading this blog, hopefully you know what it is to finally find someone who understands and shares your innermost thoughts and desires.  The secret parts of you you’ve hidden away for as long as you can remember.  You know the magic and the power of hearing these words spoken aloud from one person to another.  I was captivated.  I was found.  I felt like one missing piece had been filled in to the unfinished puzzle that was my young life.

I never shared my own interests with this girl, although I’m sure she guessed.  I wasn’t ready yet to speak the words.  I still find it hard to say them out loud even now.  But I listened and gleaned information on how to find more people who shared our interests.  When summer was over and I returned home I petitioned my parents for internet – something that wasn’t as ubiquitous as it is today – and as soon as it was installed I dove right in, exploring, experiencing, and beginning my kinky education.

And that, dear friends, is how this kinky life really began.

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About Em

A 30-something spanking aficionado and all around good girl :)
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7 Responses to 30 weeks of kink: discovering kink

  1. Jen says:

    That’s one thing that kids have now that those of us of a certain age didn’t have. The ability to go online and find everything connected with what we do. You were lucky to have that as a teenager. When I was your age, there were only three computers in our whole high school, and the two in the library had external modems. The only thing that may have been available back then were college based groups, if even that much. The internet didn’t exist. We had to make due with tv shows, the occasional movie scene, and books. NOBODY talked about it, especially as teenagers.

    • Em says:

      Jen & Indy, the internet was absolutely a treasure trove of information and an amazing way to connect with like minded people. Yet at the same time it facilitates learning and understanding it also makes it easier (if not likely) for young kids to grow up much too fast, sometimes with the help of ill-intentioned adults. I don’t know how you get one without the other in our society today. I don’t know if access to this information for the multitude is worth the risk to the few for whom things turn out poorly.

      I like to think the great majority of adults are responsible, but even if they are it may not help. You can bet I didn’t announce my age when I was chatting at 15 & 16 because I knew most people wouldn’t talk to me then. At the same time, there were some people who knew how old I was and pursued relationships that most of us would consider inappropriate for an adult to have with a 15 year old.

      I certainly think that access to better sex ed (both at home and in school) would help provide an outlet for kids to explore these topics safely, though I don’t see schools starting to teach kink 101 anytime soon.

  2. Indy says:

    @Jen: You forgot the part about walking uphill to and from school, holding baked potatoes to keep our hands from freezing. Or are you not as old as I am? :-p

    @Em: Thanks for posting a day early! Maybe it’s because I’m now the age at which people have teenage children, but this story really worries me. In this day and age of abstinence-only “education,” even vanilla kids are getting more info from porn than from thoughtful discussion. Still, I suspect that even the best sex ed classes don’t say much about fetishes. Looking back, I wish someone had told me there was such a thing. Someone other than Heinlein, that is. I figured he was just a dirty old man…

  3. Karl Friedrich Gauss says:

    So that could have been the late 1990s, when the web was more or less just starting out. I remember searching for the Shadowlane website not long after I first got on the internet, circa 1996. Butit wasn’t there. A few months later it debuted, and its links page became an important source of new discoveries for me.

    Back then I was also a big fan of the Ladies Spanking Forum, not as contributor mind you, but as an avid reader of the real life accounts contained therein.

    I got into the internet just about the time the newsgroup Alt-Sex-Spanking was changed to Soc-Sex-Spanking. I had the feeling that what was taking place for me and likely for many others at the time, was akin to the 100 monkeys effect. The fact that SO many people tuned into the spanking internet and got SO excited about it, created a sort of “field effect” that led to a broader awakening of interest among spanking inclined people everywhere.

  4. wordsmith says:

    The internet allows kids to wander anywhere, it is a concern but I don’t think there is anything to be done except have open discussions about what they might find – may be even should be a subject in itself at school, as most youngsters seem to learn more from the web than anywhere else. I do have concerns myself when I read some blogs, but at least it is open to the community to give some input and support, rather than someone experimenting on their own. Your memories of being a spankophile at a very early age seem to be true of most of “us” – must be in the genes 😀

  5. Em says:

    Karl – Yes, that was exactly the time. Quite a lot of amazing changes came with access to the internet.

    Wordsmith – I absolutely agree about the internet. I wouldn’t have any concerns about young adults stumbling onto any of the blogs I read. I think it’s vital for curious people of any age to have access to positive examples of all kinds of sexual proclivities. What I worry about are the people like the man involved with the friend described above, who are clearly taking advantage of an at-risk population of young girls and boys. Certainly the answer is for everyone to promote sex-positive messages and turn education into something designed to make young people feel empowered to explore safely and able to make wise choices and better understand their needs and limits.

    As for spanking being in our genes, this is a topic I explore a bit more in next week’s post, stay tuned!

    • wordsmith says:

      Our community seems generally very ethical, stable, level-headed, supporting and …nice! Which would probably seem a strange thing to the general population given the subject matter :-). I often wear jeans, so there is a possible explanation of the kink 😀

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