Spanking and the Single Girl

For many years (the ones I was with Jack), I didn’t spend a great deal of time or energy on the kinky online community.  I kept up on my favorite blogs, and once in a great while posted here, but for the most part I shared my inner spanko with only Jack.  For me, that was easier.  I put on an outgoing face, because it is expected, but deep down I am really very shy.  Sharing all those innermost parts of myself with one person was difficult enough, sharing them with an entire group (even the safest sort, neatly tucked away behind computer screens somewhere far far away) was another thing entirely.

I don’t think I realized, at first, that when I ended the relationship with Jack I wasn’t only walking away from someone I truly loved, but from that safety net as well.  I no longer had the luxury of hiding in my cozy little world and I determined to strike out and rebuild a bit of the community I had let slip away.

Mostly it has been a good experience.  But I’ve learned some things along the way.  I am not the same person I was five years ago.  I am not a blank slate.  I am not set in stone.  There are many things I want or need, and many that I don’t.  I understand that I’ll compromise on most of them; that two people together are not the whole of them apart – we shift and change, meld and blend, and are better for it, I think.

What I cannot, or perhaps will not, understand, are the people who expect me to be nothing but a reflection of their own needs and desires.  Those who send demands for more information about me, but take no time to introduce themselves or tell me why we might get along.  Those who are offended by my refusal to feel the least bit submissive to them although we have only just met.  And most especially those who start by telling me how they need time to get to know someone, and then after sending three messages of about a sentence each, are suddenly surprised that I don’t know them well enough to run off with them. 

I am a woman, I enjoy spanking, I happen to be single.  I am all of those things, but they are not all of me.  I don’t compartmentalize my spanko self, she is interwoven with every other part of me – the businesswoman, the friend, the citizen, etc – and that makes her both stronger and more vulnerable.  I am as careful with her as with all the others, and I’d like to think others are too.

So I have to ask, as I browse through my FetLife messages, has it always been like this?  Did I just not notice before?  Can’t we all just agree to be polite and respectful and to take the time to get to know each other?  When did we all become so impatient that we have lost touch with the journey and focus only on the destination?  Perhaps we’ll find that we don’t agree on the important things, perhaps we won’t get along.  I still can’t consider any time I’ve spent getting to know someone a waste, because invariably I also get to know something new about myself.

And yet, I understand the rush, the need to find someone who can fill this void that has been growing larger.  I can see how finding balance can be difficult.  And I wonder if what I perceive as pushy and impatient isn’t something else, something more elusive and harder to define.  Maybe it is, but I still think there’s a place for politeness and common courtesy.  If you don’t, please find somewhere else to hang your hat and another woman to message.

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About Em

A 30-something spanking aficionado and all around good girl :)
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15 Responses to Spanking and the Single Girl

  1. DevlinONeill says:

    Quite right, Em, and well said. 😉

  2. Viola says:

    Em, you are practically a top now – you are in charge of Dev, because he does what you say. Nice one!I agree with everything you said, bravo, bravo! And encore, encore!

  3. Anonymous says:

    Hi Em! This is Scarlet. I have come to visit you in your house, and I am very glad I came. It is a lovely place, and you have written a lovely post. And if you really are in charge of Dev, then I would like to know how you managed it. You must be very powerful. :)I have to be anonymous here because apparently I do not know my own password. That is puzzling, as I was almost sure I did.

  4. I like the new furniture, Em.

    But be careful of Tops. Occasionally you’ll find one who will give you just enough rope to trip yourself over his lap with. 😉

  5. Em says:

    Devlin – There would hardly be a use for them if they didn’t, would there?

  6. Em says:

    Oh dear. You read it, I didn't really mean for anyone to do that, despite what I said 😉 Wait – I said you should read this and you listened. I am feeling very well obeyed right now, which almost makes up for the fact that I really do find it difficult to write things about *me* and not events.Oh, and thank you!

  7. Viola says:

    Testing, testing, one two three… Devlin is a sausage, one two three… I didn’t swear, one two thre… and so and so forth.

  8. Em says:

    Viola, I would hardly know what to do with myself if I were a top – I am sure I would be a complete and utter failure, because my heart just isn't in it.But it is nice to be in charge every once in a while!

  9. Michael says:

    First time I am commenting on your lovely blog, Em. Wonderful, wonderful post. I have never understood why politeness and common decency is in such short supply. I particularly liked when you said this:

    “When did we all become so impatient that we have lost touch with the journey and focus only on the destination?”

    That is so eloquent and so true. As I have gotten older I no longer accept poor behavior from people around me, and take great pains to disassociate myself from them. If someone is a toxic person I want nothing to do with them. Life is too short to put up with that nonsense.

    I wish you nothing but good times, nice people and great success on your journey, Em, and sincerely hope you find that balance you seek.

    • Em says:

      Michael, thank you for saying hello and your kind comments. I am always so surprised and disappointed by the poor way people treat each other. I guess just because I would never think to act like that. At the same time there are many wonderful people out there balancing the scales. I try to focus on them 🙂

  10. Em says:

    Scarlet, I use the same password for everything kinky, so I never have to worry about remembering it. If I ever forget the one-true-password, though, I will in lots and lots of trouble because I won't be able to access anything!And about being in charge, I am afraid I cannot give away my secrets, because then they would lose all their powers 😉

  11. Season says:

    Wow! Your new blog space looks beautiful! Love the colors and it feels like I can come over and sit down on the couch with you for a nice leisurely chat. Very welcoming!

    Well said about journeys and destinations!

  12. Indy says:

    Beautifully said, Em! And you are oh-so-right!

    While I think there’s a difference between looking for a relationship and a play date, I do wish more people would show more outward respect for the risks we all take when we play this game. I can’t help but think that the crass approach must work with some people, or it wouldn’t be used so often. But it certainly doesn’t work with me!

    • Em says:

      Hi, Indy! There’s definitely a difference in the approach, how true, but I don’t think I’d ever play with someone who I didn’t think I could also like, at least as an acquaintance, if not a friend.

      And yes, that approach does seem to work, although I cannot for the life of me figure out why. Actually, I responded to one person who sent an off-the-wall request to me, inquiring about how it usually worked for him. He did take the time to write back and let me know what his average response rate was.

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